Why I jumped…

Since I sprung my “idea” on everyone last week, there’s been a lot of questions asked. They’re all valid, well-intentioned, rational, & instinctual questions a person might ask, & should, when contemplating my choice of action; Exactly what I didn’t do.
I feel sort of guilty because I don’t exactly have the answers. Yet, I have asked those questions too.
I’ve been finding myself at a loss to explain my reasonings & thoughts on it though… It’s more a feeling I have. Ha! Not that an “urge” is better reasoned…
I tried to write it down the other night, but the beer sort of slewed the thought train tangentally into deep & somewhat defensive introspection. As a friend likes to say, “I’ve got feelings… Blah, blah, blah.”
Here’s that sad attempt:
http://tinyurl.com/koclu8
I’m fairly introspective, & typically pretty fair & honest with myself. Yet there’s this incessant undercurrent of restlessness lately. I say lately, but it’s been the past few years really.
I thought it was that I wasn’t in Chicago. I love this city, & missed it terribly. Then I moved here… & it’s still there. Guess that theory is sh*t. Hehe
I still love this city, & if I wanted roots right now, they’d be here. But that’s the thing; I want to explore, live, cheesy as that sounds.
…So I did make the decision for this trip without thinking it through. I didn’t plan & save, preparing for the eventualities. I haven’t even decided on a destination, though I have vaguely thought, ‘Id like to see CO…’
Maybe it’s just the general malaise we all feel from time to time. Maybe it’s the existential search for meaning. I just feel like there’s all this potential bottled in me, but I’m powerless to direct it. So I’ve been going through the motions of life, working crappy jobs to eke by as I wait for my calling.
And beneath that, there lies this sort of desire to test myself. Is that existential too? If I take it all away, leave myself no anchors; Can I make it? With no ties, even meaningless ones, can I find my way to meaning?
So yeah, I should have planned, saved the money, & mapped my route. Maybe I could have just seen a counselor… Hehe.
I could have done all those logical things, but I wouldn’t have. I’d still be waiting. I’d be working my job, paying my bills, & fading away. That promise of tomorrow’s trip would be what I looked toward.
That’s the worst… Time is just passing, & I’m letting it. I don’t want to be that evil, drunk queen at the end of the bar, begrudging every twink his youth.
If I jump, now, when I’ve got this opportunity to do something insane. If I fail, then I can explain why I’m bitter to the twinks… Hehe
But, to be cheesy & clichèd again, maybe doing this insane thing is all I need.
So… Rather than play the game, I jumped. I gave my notice at work, told the landlord I was moving on, & alerted the friends… I cut the tethers because if I didn’t I wouldn’t jump. If I left myself options I would use them to wait more, to make everything perfect.
I don’t even know that I believe anything in life can be close to perfect…
And strangest of all is this weird feeling of Aahhhhh! Almost as if the fact that I acted, instead of planning to act freed something in me.
I’m scared; I’m not insane! But I’m also tingling all over, ready for my feet on those pedals.
Here’s hoping that doesn’t turn into Ahhhh! Help!
Hehe
Wish me luck on the roads ahead.

– Sent from my Palm Prē